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The Nut Check Starter Pack

10 rules for raising a dog who pees on the world and still gets invited back. Written by management (me). Edited by staff (he tried).

Print this. Screenshot it. Tape it to the fridge next to the vet bill. Territory starts at home.

  1. Marks first. Apologizes never.

    If you wait for permission, the doodle already claimed the hydrant. Decide. Then own the splash zone.

  2. Territory expands either way.

    Walk left or walk right — the kingdom grows. Your job is logistics. My job is borders.

  3. Training is bribery with better PR.

    I’m not “trained.” I’m negotiated with. Stock treats. Lose the argument with dignity.

  4. If it moves, claim it.

    People, tires, suspiciously tall grass. Living things need a stamp of approval. That stamp is me.

  5. Staff works for the dog.

    You open doors. You carry bags. You film the content. I supervise. Performance reviews are continuous.

  6. Both nuts. Zero worries.

    Intact is a lifestyle, not a debate club. Nature made me perfect. Staff can cope.

  7. “Indestructible” is a challenge.

    If the box says it survives dogs like me, I take it personally. Only survivors stay in the yard.

  8. Bandana dogs: stay strong.

    Not everyone kept the hardware. Solidarity means less judgment at the park and more side-eye for the groomer.

  9. The vet is a negotiation, not a surrender.

    Walk in like you own the waiting room. Walk out intact. Staff brings the treats and the alibi.

  10. Loyalty is the whole point.

    I peed on half the block and I still sleep on your feet. That’s the deal. Protect the king. Expand the yard. Laugh at the chaos.

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Share this with your staff. Tag @deebosnutz when your dog passes the Nut Check. Affiliate gear that survived me lives on the gear page. How we handle email: privacy.